In the Meantime

I was working at Yankee Candle this evening, enjoying the busyness and fun of retail. I had stopped in Panera on my way in to get something to sip on as I sold candles. :) I wanted to get a decaf coffee, but the hazelnut sounded SOOO good. So I decided, despite the late hour, I would test caffeine's affect on me and get a cup of coffee at 7:00 at night. BAD decision. It is 1:30 in the morning and I am bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. So what else to do but look around on-line, mostly for jobs and I'm actually looking at jobs in Denver. Crazy... and scary... to think about moving - but also simultaneously exciting and full of hope and potential. I was checking out Focus on the Family's website, see if they have any employment opportunities and happened upon their "Boundless" webzine is what they call it. It's for singles. I started looking at the blogs, books and articles they have, drawn in by the pictures and taglines. I began to think, as I read over various titles of books (The thrill of the chaste, Where have all the good men gone? 5 paths to the Love of your life, and more...) and a variety of articles about getting set up on blind dates (I have yet to ever go on one), how to enjoy this season, and an entire article on the premise that singleness is glorified and viewed as a "gift", they ask the question IS IT? (I echo that question often!)

I hesitate to discuss my thoughts on my singleness and 26 years of age, it's something I tend not to focus on or think about. Maybe it will just go away, I'll go back to when I'm 22 and get married like I was "supposed" to! :) But I guess that is probably not the healthy thing to do... denial. I never thought that I would ever be 26 and single, never. I still don't think I do, even though that is what I wake up to every morning, having lived 26 years and dating no one. So, I live in the season of "in the meantime" and yet strive not to. I live in the season of waiting and yet try viciously to stop waiting for my life to begin and live now. What metaphor can I draw to help you understand? I know, stick with me on this one...if you jump in the car to go grab a gallon of milk from the local grocery story, it's what, a 5 minute drive at the most right? Now, when I know I'm only going to be in the car for a few minutes, I usually don't search out my ipod from the bottom of my purse and pick a song of which I'll only hear 30 seconds of by the time I find it and almost get in 2 accidents while I pay more attention to my song choice then the road. I usually just avoid the whole situation and flip on the radio, hoping that I happened to get 3 minutes of my favorite song rather then the commercials and/or weather announcing MORE snow and cold weather. My life is the 5 minute drive to the store, stuck behind traffic because a semi flipped over on the road. Do you get out the ipod or pick the CD? Do you listen to your favorite music or keep on pushing through the old DC Talk song that you liked when you were in 9th grade? Are you going to listen to the news again, all the job losses and the sky is falling economy talk? Or are you going to flip on your favorite belt-it-out worship song while you're sitting... and waiting... and waiting... ahhh... the power of a metaphor. I certainly hope that helps you understand my "in the meantime" life. If I were a singer/songwriter, I would write a song called In the Meantime, it would be upbeat and catchy though, or maybe it would be solemn and deep. Maybe it will be both. I have no point I suppose to this blog entry except that I have not figured out how to live in this season most of the time and I struggle with being bitter and frustrated with the hand of cards I have been dealt by our perfect, all-knowing Creator. I just don't feel it, I choose it, to trust in Him everyday and sometimes I forget to choose it and instead listen to DC Talk, instead of really living. It's so hard to really live when something you desire greatly is unrealized in your life. I have more thoughts on singleness and 26 as you can imagine I'm sure, but I'll leave the topic for now, too afraid to reveal too much all in one sitting.

It's 1:44, I'm going to try and get some sleep, despite my hazelnut buzz. Bad bad decision.

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Snow Scrooge

I woke up yesterday morning, curling up on the couch under a blanket, and the sun was just starting to peak through the gray, gloomy clouds. My heart yearns for sunshine and my skin for vitamin D. My mom came downstairs and says with a disappointed tone that it looks like the snow is done falling for now. I yelped for joy, I don't want anymore precipitation coming down, cutting everyone's speeds in half on the highway and causing accidents and back-ups. She called me a snow scrooge. As Stephanie would say on Full House "how rude!" (If you don't know what I'm talking about, it probably means I'm getting too old). However, there might be some truth to that... *smile* I am trying to make friends with winter, with lots and lots of coffee, my snap and snuggle, fires in the wood-burning stove, wearing slippers every chance I get and borrowing my mom's oh-so-soft scarf. When the wind isn't blowing and the snow isn't falling, I'd say we're mere acquaintances.

I am currently holing up in Biggby Coffee in Grand Rapids, awaiting my next 4 hour shift at Yankee Candle. It is packed today, and I am literally tucked away in the corner. In order to get out I literally have to weave my way through a maze of chairs, feet, computer bags and shoulders. I kind of like it.

I would like to say that today I am filled with faith, but unfortunately it's one of those days that I feel so much more full of doubt. I am worried that I won't find a job soon, and I am heavy with the burdens of bills, debt, and borrowing money from people. I remember once I was traveling with my church choir when I was in high school, I had run out of money and we stopped for lunch on the way home. I was too timid and/or prideful to ask to borrow some money so I could eat, so I mooched a few fries and my tummy rumbled all the way home. I still struggle with asking for help, and if I am forced to, I carry it around like a burden, frustrated that I am being a burden to others. I don't know what the root of that is, but I am so tired of trying to squelch out the worry and stress, trying to remind myself of truth. Truth just seems as cloudy and gray as the clouds outside this afternoon. I long for someone to step in and believe for me when I'm too tired to keep on believing. My hope is dim today...

I am going to go immerse myself in His Word because on days like this, everything else seems fruitless and exhausting. It is only through His truth that I am energized... so I am going to go feast.

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They are on my mind...

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Jesus wept.

When God is trying to teach me something, he always repeats it over and over again until I say, "all right, all right I got it." :) He speaks to me through people, His Word, music, blogs, e-mails, phone calls, billboards, whatever he can use to get my attention. This week I have been learning about grieving and sadness. How do we handle these things in our lives? How am I to handle these things? How do I glorify God through times of loss and sadness in my life? Through trials and suffering? God brought me to Lazurus' death multiple times this week, and what did Jesus do? Jesus wept.

Each day for me is a daily walk of faith. I don't get to go to church on Sunday, fill my week with busy activities and then be rejuvenated again as I have done in the past. Every morning I wake up and it is either a day where I walk in faith or I walk in worry, anxiety and fear. I am job searching, single, and living with my parents. That's hard for me to write even in this blog that I am pretty sure no one reads. Because there is the world that tells me that I am not successful or valuable because of where I'm at in life. The world is trying to lie to me constantly and Satan uses my emotions to pull me into a pit of lies. Until I grab onto that ladder of truth, and slowly through prayer and the power of the Holy Spirit can I climb up and out and stand back on the solid rock of Truth. I have lost someone important to me, and I am sad. And so while I walk a walk of faith, right next to that tire track of faith is the tire track of pain and loss - running parallel to each other like the tire tracks of a car left on a dirt road. I read a blog this week by a woman I deeply respect. I am going to steal some of her thoughts because they hit me profoundly and reiterate my two-track theology:

"As a child I learned that the shortest verse in the Bible is John 11:35 “Jesus wept.” Simple as it is, it holds immense meaning for those of us in pain and those of us who love those who are in pain. You see, at the opening of the story, Jesus knows full well that Lazarus will die and also knows Lazarus will be restored to life. He sees the end of the matter, “This sickness will not end in death. No, it is for God’s glory so that God’s son may be glorified through it.” And still, when faced with the sister’s grief and tears, Jesus was moved… and he wept. We are uncomfortable with grief. I think we say things like “God will use this” or other such sentiments because we want to move the hurting out of the emotions of pain that are so difficult for us to sit with. We want to point to the silver lining and see the good that will be; so much, that we rush off to it. Jesus didn’t do that. He wept. He knew that in a matter of minutes Lazarus would come out of the grave when he called. He knew Martha and Mary would have their brother back. And still he wept." - Kate McDonald

And tonight, as I was driving on icy roads, I listened to a song sung by Kate's counterpart, Shawn McDonald. The song is called Time and the lyrics are from the verses in Ecclesiastes that takes about how there is a time for mourning and a time for joy.

Okay, okay God I get it. I will embrace the season I am in; not throw myself a pity party or throw myself down in hopelessness and emotion. No, but I will embrace the season I am in, I will embrace the pain and I will trust Him through it.

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the Never-ending Story

Tonight, as I stepped out into the night to do the mundane, open my car door and get in, drive home, the end of a long day. And as I lugged my bag, jingled my keys, the peacefulness, the calm of the evening was calling my name. The night was in a mood tonight and it called out and invited me to join it. Gladly, I interrupted the daily mundane and stopped and just breathed in and out, smelling and being totally aware of how calm and warm it was outside. I was almost tempted to put my windows down in my car, wishing that I didn't have to climb inside my machine and close out the quiet still night. I love it when God breaks into the mundane and blesses you with a calm that washes over your soul and no matter what else is going on in your life, you experience the peace that transcends all understanding. Tonight for me, that peace came in the form of an offering of an abnormally warm, still calm night. Even now as I write this, I am tempted to go sit outside and breathe some more...

Finishing a good book is always so bittersweet. I love to finish books, it's like checking off something on a to do list, only this list is not full of obligations and necessary things. In fact this list isn't really a list at all. It is this blank sheet of paper on which you write down who you become as you read. Finishing a good book is like adding something else, another ingredient to your life that makes it richer and sweeter and more fulfilling. There is a sense of accomplishment and you feel as though life just became a little deeper. And yet there is the sadness too, it is over. The mystery of how the story will end is now unraveled and the character's lives who strangely become like friends, they have left you. The solace and comfort of turning to a different world for awhile has disappeared and it feels a little empty. The credits are running and it's time to stand up and walk out of the theater, but i don't think I'm ready for the story to end yet. It's a good thing the author of the book I read has another waiting for me to dive into. I'm grateful for that. :)

Those are my thoughts for tonight... warm still evenings and bittersweet books...

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Need to be normal

I am sitting in Panera, one of my favorite restaurants and amazingly in all seasons I enjoy either a way-too-expensive smoothie, a fresh salad or a warm bowl of broccoli cheddar. I love holing up, bringing my computer and books and creating a deep, beautiful, relaxed afternoon anonymously sitting amidst a bunch of strangers and allowing my mind to go wherever it pleases. And of course a delicious bowl of soup usually accompanies the experience. Today I'm in Panera and while I still find comfort and relaxation, my body just rejects the idea of food. It's like the day after you have the stomach flu, when you're still wary of food and absolutely nothing sounds good. It's how I've felt for days... weeks... I have no appetite. I have this idea in my head and I don't think it's true that I must be normal, be completely myself, eat normal foods, and feel happy if I'm trusting God during this trial and time of suffering. I feel like I'm not trusting God if I'm not normal. I have this need to be normal. But I can't force myself. I can't force myself to be hungry for food that doesn't sound good. I drive around, willing myself to not break down in tears, I baby-sit, willing myself to focus on having fun with the kids and not let my mind wander and sit upon my pain. I have brief moments of normalcy and then I always inevitably return back to this abnormal pain. I've decided to just let myself not be normal. I'm tired of trying to be something I'm not, and I am trusting God, but this season is far from normal. So I'm done with needing to be normal... and I'm done forcing food down my throat when it doesn't sound good. I'm throwing out the rest of this chicken noodle soup.

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Red Paint

I have discovered that I am a very expressive person, and if I don't express, journal, create, write, worship - I kind of go a little crazy. I have to write. I have to paint. I have to sing. I must express because it is in the expression that I find freedom. Freedom to love, to be myself, to worship God for who He is and what He's doing in my life. I long for expression of my thoughts, my prayers, my pain and my joy. I am so visual that I think about my life in pictures. God gave me an image recently of a red can of paint, and it's being poured out into this swirling thick liquid of passion. God has given me a passion for Him that is blood red, and I envision a swirl of flame red color pouring out and growing. There is a contrast on the rest of my life as though they are opposite colors. My passion to live for Him, my love for Him. I am just swirling around, ready to splatter people's lives.

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Raw and pink...

Everything in life right now feels very raw. Very real. There's no flavor hiding the true taste of it, there's no sauces, or grilling to cook it. Life so oftentimes has a barbecue flavor to it, the weather, music, family and friends flavors our life with certain atmospheres and environments. A fire in the fire place, a candle lit that fills the room with a warm aroma. A messy house with clutter leaving your spirit feeling overwhelmed and stressed. Our lives are surrounded with flavors, either bitter or delicious. Right now, my life is just raw. I am vulnerable and aware of what is really important. I am not consumed with thoughts of the present. I don't have the ability to think and worry about the little things in life that two days ago seemed so important and now just don't seem to matter. Life feels raw, and yet it also feels cloudy. And fuzzy.

I'm very aware of God's goodness and His deep love for me. Love that I can't explain in words, love that cannot be matched. But there's a loss that I feel that just makes life feel raw and vulnerable and pink...

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Yellow trees... purple flowers...

I am an outside nut. Not like food for a squirrel nut, or shaved almonds on a salad. But I am addicted to nature, and to God's creation. I am drawn to a window, to sunshine, and fresh air like mosquitos are to my toes. The ironic thing is after summer, I lived in the A-frame at Grace. There are two bedrooms and I slept in the one that is affectionately called "the dungeon". One morning I woke up and it was so dark I was convinced that it was still 4 am, rolled over and went back to sleep. In actuality it was like 8:30 in the morning and I ended up sleeping in until 10. Oh dear. Similarly, I am back at home in my parent's place and I am staying down in the guest room... in the basement. There are two small windows near the ceiling, covered by curtains. Once again I am trapped by walls and plaster all around me. I miss falling asleep at night with the window open by my head, listening to the crickets and bullfrogs singing me to sleep. I am a sucker for summer time, summer allows you to live outside. You can get up and do your devotions outside in the cool morning air, wrapped in a blanket - as I often did on my porch this summer. Summer offers hot afternoons to be spent at the beach or in the water cooling off. It offers warm evenings, where you can wear sandals and tank tops while singing around the fire. I miss the offerings of summer.

I am not a winter person (you may have guessed that already). What I do love is scarf and slipper season. I don't like cold, but I love the fun ways of keeping cozy and warm. You can never have too many scarves and slippers. I'm stocking up for this winter! Last winter I saved my pennies and bought a big, warm, coat to put on. I am convinced that it is a completely different atmosphere within that coat and it is my survival tool for hellish February.

Enough about the weather... (although weather is a big deal to me)

So I'm living back on Country Club in Holland once again, temporarily until I find a job. And to be honest, I completely expected this to be a difficult transition out of camp and back to the real world. I expected to be so worried about finding a job, and to be, well... more emotional. And I don't doubt that as I continue this unknown phase of life, there will be more difficult days, especially if in 3 weeks I still don't have a job and I have no promise of one. I am sure I will be more discouraged. However, as of right now, I am not worried and am excited to see what job I end up with. I'm excited to move into a new place and begin the next phase of this crazy rollercoaster, patchwork of a life.

Speaking of patchwork, I'm making a patchwork quilt. I enjoy the tedious and slow effort it requires as I handstitch the pieces of fabric together. Similar to my life as I pull over pieces of my previous life and combine them with my current world. I stitch them together and they lie side by side, becoming one, yet always remaining separate.

Today I drove under a canopy of yellow trees and my soul soared and as I rode my bike past a field of purple flowers, my heart beat a little faster...

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Peace

It has been awhile since I've written on my blog, I have done an awful job this summer of keeping up with my social life. It was good for me though. Before I came to work at camp I was feeling so bogged down and heavy with all the pressures of life, so much so that I sometimes felt like I couldn't breathe. I couldn't get out from under it, the financial pressures and all the worldly pressures all around me, telling me what it is I should value and how I should live my life. One of my weaknesses and probably a strength as well is I am a people pleaser. I don't like conflict, so whatever I can do to make life easier and peaceful, I do. I give up things, I stray from who I am for a feigned peace. When you're not being true to your inside, when your external and internal are not consistent, you feel anything but peace. And I wasn't doing anything wrong, it just wasn't me. I try to please my church, my friends, my family - especially my parents. I try to please my sister and brother and be who they want me to be. That is exhausting. Not to mention all the media pressure. And it's the subtle things too... the feeling like I'm getting too old and I need to have a high-paying job and a family, I need to have a home, something to prove to everyone that I am successful. That pressure seemed to grow everyday. This summer I was released from it all, and it felt good. I dropped off the face of the earth for awhile and now I'm back to reality, maybe back to blogging, I don't make any promises.

Well I'm back to reality, but I am still at camp, until October 6. So I'm working, and when I'm off, I'm looking for a job. I'm trying to figure out how to relax and enjoy the coming of fall, the changing of the seasons. How can I enjoy the peace of this place but not using it as an escape from reality. Because when October 7 comes around and I have to face it, it's going to be awfully hard if I've been running from it for a month.

It's been an amazing summer... but I think I've shared enough... I'll share more soon.

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Jesus, be my center

It's been a month since I've written on here and it's been one of the busiest and most exhausting months of my life. I've moved 10 times in the past 6 weeks and only once slept in a room by myself. With my personality, I really need time away from people and so two weeks of staff training, where I'm with people 24/7 is a challenge and stretches me. When you do that, you start to realize how selfish you are and how much you focus on your needs and not the needs of others. Campers come tomorrow and we have spent much time and energy in getting everything ready. I am so excited about this summer and look forward to seeing how God is going to move! We've got an incredible staff at Grace, especially at the ranch. Already we are a family, a community, a team working together towards a common purpose and goal. :)

God has really been refining me and teaching me so much. I think one of the purposes of why He brought me here to Grace this summer is because here I can hear him better, without the noise and distraction of living in "the real world". He uses other people, music, the horses, his creation, his word... all of it to teach me. And I'm surrounded by it all day long.

A couple weeks ago, during our ranch training we had a woman named Julie come in and teach us more about how to become better instructors as the wranglers will teach horsemanship lessons this summer. She teaches from a perspective called Centered Riding, which is kind of hard to explain, but basically the premise is that we as adults think too much when we ride. We try to do everything just right: sit up straight, keep our hands low, our heels down, all in a perfect line. And when we do that, it ends up looking forced and unnatural. When we loosen up, find our "center", we are more aware of the horses' movements and how we can then be in balance with them. Which in essence is perfect position. Position is not so it looks pretty, but having good position on a horse is so that you're in better balance, which makes for a more enjoyable experience for both you and the horse and is also safer as well. The horse will live longer, give more, and you are less likely to fall off if you're in balance. Anyways, I took this principle and applied it to my life and relationship with God. I think that's what He's trying to teach me, for me to make Him my center and when I do that, I'll be in "balance" with God. I'll be abiding in Him and living for Him is more natural as opposed to always trying to do the "right thing". I hope that makes sense.

I've got lots more to say, but lunch is in a half hour. Campers come tomorrow, so you can be praying for that. Our first two weeks are leadership training for our junior wranglers (CIT's) and ranch hands who will come back later during the summer and do service weeks. So the next couple weeks will look a little different then the rest of the summer. I'm excited and a little nervous, but God is so good and faithful!

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Moving Forward

Exhausting but great week... Tuesday thru Saturday consisted of being downloaded with information from morning 'til evening. I now know how a computer feels (if a computer could feel) when we select the gray button to download a new program and it takes 30 minutes as you anxiously wait for the rectangle to fill up and be 100% finished and you're able to use the program. Schedule, how to fix a fence, how to drive the tractor, how to drive the bus, what horse is which, where the cleaning supplies is, how to drive a team of horses, and the list goes on and on. You know how it is, when you start a new job and you're shadowing someone, trying to learn as much as you can and feeling like you're in the way. There's a few moments of accomplishment, like you actually contributed and are maybe getting the hang of it. Then there's that moment where you ask yourself the question, "What do I do now?". Yeah... it was like that all week. I met new people, got thrown into new situations where I had to fudge my way through pretending like I knew what I was doing, and loving every minute of it. I have been learning about horses and I have so many ideas for summer. I'm beginning to see it all play out in my head of what it will look like. I'm anxious for the rest of the staff to come and to get started! I've got different trainings over the next couple of weeks and in between those, on the weekends, I'll be traveling to Chicago twice to celebrate my niece's first birthday, to be a part of her dedication ceremony, celebrate mother's day, and also my sister's college graduation. May will be busy but exciting.

I drove back to Grand Rapids this weekend to de-ranch a little, see some friends, go to Meijer, and worship at Crossroads. It has been a blessing, but harder then I expected because I did not expect the homelessness that I would feel when I got here. When I drove up to camp last week, Grand Rapids was still home to me, and then when I returned here and slept on an air mattress at a friend's house, the realization hit me like a ton of bricks that I really don't have a home. It was a strange feeling and caught me off guard. God is my rock and my strength, the stability in my life and I'm clinging to Him.

Working up at camp this summer is such a huge blessing to me, my life is rich and overflowing with learning opportunities and new friendships. I am pushing myself and stretching myself and at the end of the day I tiredly rinse off all the dirt and sweat of the day and feel as though I have accomplished something. The days are filled with potential and mystery, I am thrilled to be around horses and their constant presence is reviving my passion for them. There is something incredibly right for me about being able to ride everyday if I wanted to. I love their sweet nickers, and listening to the pounding of their hooves as they chase each other around the island. I led a trail ride on Saturday in the rain. It was lightly trickling down and I was wearing a borrowed duster and cowboy hat. Mears is a week or two behind Grand Rapids in weather, so spring is just starting to draw out the green leaves and the trees are slowly filling out. I was dreading the ride to be honest... until I got out there. There was something incredibly beautiful about being a part of the refreshing of the rain, like I entered into some kind of reality that is secret and hidden because when it rains, most people naturally hole up inside. I was warm and dry underneath the leather duster and hat and I was in awe of the incredible beauty surrounding me. Rain makes everything look bright green and on the trees and branches surrounding me was buds and leaves, and then there were some that were inbetween. I was literally watching the birth of summer and all that it brings. It's one of those moments when God just surprised me with a part of His character, the restoration and rebirth of the dead and I understood it in a way that you can't by reading or hearing.

I'm moving forward in life, I'm learning and growing, failing and succeeding. I'm anxiously waiting for all that is in store this week, this month and the next few months and trying desperately not to worry about where I'll be in August.

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Culture Shock

I made it up to Grace safe and sound on Friday, my car was packed using every inch of space! I was very proud of my fabulous packing precision! :) I met my new roommates and got settled a little bit, well settled as much as you can when you're only living there for three weeks. :) AKA - putting everything underneath my bed. Saturday was a busy day, we finished our work... and then came the unexpected: the down time, the quiet, and the loneliness. One of my roommates went home for the weekend and the other was out and about, I was left alone in this trailer wondering what am I supposed to do now? I know that sounds a little silly, but to me camp is busy and people and I forgot that it won't be busy and people for a few more weeks. And unlike living in the city, there is no Barnes and Noble, or local coffee shops I can go hang out in. I know, I know Grand Rapids is not a huge city, but after spending a few days up here, I feel like it was NYC. :) I am so used to always having something to do, and if nothing else, I've got Blockbuster down the road, movies on TV, the internet, or I can pick up my phone to call a friend. When all of your usual options are taken away, you're left with an awkward silence. The first night I fell asleep at 7:45 pm. It's like a whole different culture up here and it surprised me. I feel so disconnected from reality, with no familiar food, people, radio stations, running spots, etc. It's so foreign almost like I'm in another country even though I know that if I got in my car and drove an hour south, I could be back in familiar Grand Rapids. But with little to no cell phone reception and access to internet only through dial-up, everyone seems so far away. I also have a lot of time on my hands yesterday and today. I worked Saturday, and when you work on the weekends, you get Monday off. Hmmm... so I worked one day and got two days off. On Saturday night when I had nothing to do, the next two days seemed a bit overwhelming to try and fill my days with... something. Also, while I told people that I won't have very good cell phone reception or a lot of time to talk, it's weird to hardly ever have my phone ring. On top of that, our heat "wasn't working"/we didn't know how to turn it up so it was between 52-58 degrees in our trailer all day yesterday. When you're a little homesick and trying to find something to do, the last thing you want is to walk around with a blanket wrapped around you because you live in a freezer! Hence the picture. :) I was all ready for bed, with two pairs of pants on, two pairs of socks, two sweatshirts, my hat, and of course my snap and snuggle! I woke up halfway through the night and realized that our heat had been "fixed" and so it is now a toasty 70 degrees. :) Thank goodness!

All that to say - I'm doing great! I'm currently sitting in a Big Apple Bagel up in Ludington, and am loving the speedy wireless internet connection! I am enjoying a little bit of civilization (I know I'm exaggerating) and will probably go riding later today weather pending. Apparently I am also going to learn how to drive the tractor!! Wish me luck!

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Inevitable change...

My life is once again all packed away in boxes and my room is empty. Change is hard for me, so it's been good for me because as I put each item and pack it away, I pack away a little more of myself, preparing me to leave all that is comfortable and routine for me now and switch to a new normal. I also have been trying to be very intentional about spiritually preparing for what is ahead. Two of my weaknesses this summer will be resisting change and trying to live in the past and also trying to live to please people. I want to be affirmed and accepted which I think everyone would agree is a very natural human desire. However, I take it to the extreme sometimes and instead of serving God, I search for that affirmation from people. I live like I'm constantly trying to be fulfilled and never attaining it. I walk on eggshells and reject confrontation or criticism, even if it's healthy. I take things personally and analyze way too much. So this summer, I want to be changed and renewed and released from this bondage of pleasing men. It's a work in progress... isn't it always?

You know that funny feeling, when you're totally aware that your life is about to change, but you can't do anything else but act completely normal, and yet nothing feels normal about it at all? That's how the past couple days have been... so strange.

Please pray if you think of it, as I transition into this summer of full-time ministry. I want to be used by God in incredible ways this summer! I want to be changed and I want to know God more. I want to enjoy this summer and live simply! I get scared sometimes, so pray that I'll keep trusting God that while this is new, it is going to be great.

Love you and I'm going to miss you all!

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God Stops

I'm doing a Beth Moore Bible study right now called Believing God. At the end of each lesson there is a section called God Stops, where she encourages you to record how you see God at work each day. She predicted that as we go throughout the study, and we are learning about faith, we will see God intervene and step into our daily lives more often. The question up for debate is whether he actually intervenes more or we just notice it more, I don't know - maybe both. But as I've been spending more time in prayer and in His word, I can sense the Spirit's presence more often and feel Him working in me. It's awesome! In the past 2 days, I have seen God so much, I'd like to share with you some of my God stops:

1. Two nights ago I was up almost all night with coughing fits, so that when I "woke up" to go to work, I felt as if I'd been up all night and had gotten no rest at all. Going to take care of three busy kids was the last thing I wanted to do. Often times when I walk into the Periard home, the children are screaming, running, and/or crying and at 7:45 am, I am tempted to turn back around and go back home most mornings. I sat in my car outside the house and prayed just that it would be a peaceful morning, that the kids wouldn't ambush me as I walked in the door, or start shooting at me as they often do. God is so good! I walk in the door, and all three of them are sitting on the couch watching Patrick play his leapster game, completely quiet and even ready for the day! Then, God threw in an extra bonus, Barb (the mom) told me she had the day off and told me it would be a short day today. I got to go home at 4 and take a much needed nap!

2. So last night, I was worried that the coughing would keep me awake again and that I would wake up feeling exhausted again this morning. So I prayed last night before I went to bed, that I would just get a good night sleep and feel rested in the morning. I woke up this morning, after a little bit of coughing but feeling like I had a good night's rest! What a blessing!

3. This is a little one, but Come Thou Fount came on the radio this morning and I've been craving to listen and sing that song for awhile, so it made me so happy when it came on this morning, i started off my day worshiping God and singing his praises!

4. I got to work this morning and the boys were watching Mickey Mouse, I had this unusual stirring in my spirit, that I should do something, and I didn't know what. So I pulled out my computer to check my e-mail and there was an e-mail from my cousin in South Africa asking for prayer in a huge way. I knew that God had me to pray for her this quiet morning. So I stepped out onto their deck to pray in the quiet stillness of the morning. Their deck overlooks the woods and everything was icy, and blue and so peaceful. I felt as though I was standing among a symphony of birds and His presence was unmistakable! So I stood, praying for my cousin and her ministry there and there was a movement in the woods about 50 feet out. A lone doe was standing there, staring right up at me and I just stood and watched her for a moment.

The sun is rising now and melting away all the frost from the trees, branches, and grass. God is so evident and it's amazing how He will reveal Himself if we just slow down and look for Him.

"The heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim the work of his hands. Day after day they pour forth speech; night after night they display knowledge. There is no speech or language where their voice is not heard. Their voice goes out into all the earth, their words to the ends of the world."Ps. 19:1-4

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Life is like a 25k

I've decided that life is like a 25k race. I've decided to run the 5th 3rd River Bank Run on May 10 and I'm shocked at how much more disciplined I am (where was all this when I was in school) and how much I am enjoying running. I was reading Hebrews this morning...

"Therefore since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles us, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith."

I may not know the route of my race/life, it may have lots of hills and rough terrain, but life is not about the route that I take. Life is about knowing God, earnestly seeking Him, and telling others the Good News. The path, which path we take in life doesn't really matter, whether we go to the left or to the right because earth is not our home, this is only temporary. We are here for only a short time and then we will get to go home and spend eternity with Jesus. Amen! I do not always live this way, in fact I rarely live like this is true. Most of the time, I live as though this world is all there is and my car, money, bills, where I live and where I work is all that matters. Why do I get so caught up in the "sin that so easily entangles"?

Training for this 25k has been hard, in some ways it's been easier then I thought, but in other ways I never would have thought I'd be lacing up my running shoes when it's 20 degrees and snowing and running 5 miles. And when I'm running through the snow, I have to persevere because it hurts and I want to stop, I want to turn around and go home, I want to walk. But if I'm going to be ready then I need to keep running, I need to train my body that when it hurts, to keep on going. And that's exactly what I need to do in life, is keep on running, keep on trusting in God even when it hurts and I want to stop and turn around. Life is the journey, it is the run and one day we'll get to the end of this temporary life and we'll spend eternity with Jesus! Oh, I can't wait!

Well, I gotta run, literally - I'm going to go out and run.

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The roots...

It is the most typical Michigan January afternoon: grey and dull. I yearn for signs of life, birds singing, green leaves, the sun shining down and casting shifting shadows on the ground. It seems as though everything went into hibernation, they are dead and I long for the life of spring. Yet I know that God is doing work in the ground, there is a reason for having different seasons. Even though the trees seem dead, they are green inside and the buds will come. The birds are in their nests and soon they will sing their song. The sun is behind the clouds but soon the white puffy inhibitions will clear away and the world will be bright and colorful again! In some ways this is how I feel my soul is right now as well. God is stirring beneath the surface, moving, changing, and transforming me and soon it will be uncovered and I will have life and joy. God will reveal his plan for me and all of the studying and times of prayer, fasting and calling out to God will bring fruit in my life and God's blessings will shower down. My heart yearns for it, for the new season and it's the knowledge and faith that it will come that gets me through the greyness. It may be next month or in 6 months, but it will come. Winter will thaw and spring will come in all it's warmth and greenness.


This summer I am working as the program director at Paradise Ranch at Grace Adventures Camp in Mears, MI. I know that God will challenge and use me this summer as I go back to a place that was so foundational in my spiritual journey. I am looking forward to a summer of laughter and fun, blobbing and horse-back riding. There will be hot, sticky evenings and sweatshirts that smell of campfire for days. There will be running through the trails on horse-back and making great friends. I will get to witness God changing lives and eat GFS food all summer long. There will be mosquito bites and dirt under my fingernails. There will be exhaustion and bug spray. There will be early mornings and late nights. I will be living in a simple cabin, paring my belongings down to the bare essentials. I will wear boots and jeans everyday - fashion is not of consequence at the ranch. I will work hard, sweat, and I will laugh. And after that... in August...

only God knows.

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Good night chair...

Tonight I was driving down a country road and through the trees I saw something I've never seen before... the moon was hiding behind the clouds, but illuminating the edges almost as if just peeking out from behind them to say hello. :) I miss the sunshine during our long Michigan winters, and I forgot how much I missed the moon as well. It showed it's big, round, beautiful face a few minutes later as the clouds moved on. Good Night Moon.


I've decided that one of the perks of nannying is you get to be a kid again! A few activities that are not only reminiscent of my childhood, but also a few of my current favorites:

- Play-doh, a classic!

- Sledding - there's nothing like the wind in your face and the snow in your boots as when you're flying down the hill!

- Backyardigans - I truly enjoy the music (and know all the words!)

- Ring Pops - who needs a diamond when you've got a strawberry sucker the size of Alaska??

- Coloring... truly therapeutic! (don't you enjoy homemade cards so much more then store bought anyway??) *smile*

- Legos - seriously I want a lego set for my birthday this year, I'm not even kidding you!

- Go Fish and Memory are my favorite games

- Making Forts

- Hide and Seek (I'm the champion!!)

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I am an ungrateful brat...

I'm getting back into blogging, and here's why...

I want a place where I can write and process, but in a public way so that I feel as though I'm sharing my life, and the lessons that God is teaching me, even if it is through a medium that is a tad on the impersonal side. It also holds me accountable, because if I blog it, it's not as though I'm writing it in my journal where no one reads it. Also, I don't have that one person I can dialogue and discuss my thoughts, I actually have many people, and by blogging regularly I can do it in a way that I enjoy and to be honest is pretty practical. I love to express myself in writing and God has been teaching me so much lately, I want to share that! So read on and enjoy...

I am an ungrateful brat...

on Thursday I was driving the Periard children (Andrew, 6, Patrick, 4, Margaret, 2) to the Air Zoo in Kalamazoo as a special treat because the oldest had the day off from school. We have a great day, riding rides, eating lunch and checking out these awesome airplanes! It's time to leave... we pass by the gift shop and I allow them to browse. Bad decision. When it was time to go and they realized I wasn't going to buy them something, they threw a HUGE fit. "I had no fun today because you didn't buy me anything!" "I don't want you to baby-sit us anymore!" "I hated today, I WANT A TOY!!" etc. You get the picture... I was so hurt and frustrated that I spent this whole day taking them out on a fun outing and they came home grumpy because I wouldn't buy them a cheap plastic airplane that they would lose in 2 days. Children just don't have any perspective on what is really important. I lectured them and tried to explain that to them (hehehe) and then I realized something. I am such an ungrateful brat, I am just like them. God has blessed me, given me an incredible place to live, amazing friends, a great church, awesome family, great education.... the list goes on. Why do I get to the end of the day and I scream about how i didn't get my plastic airplane. And I'm sure God looks down at me and says, "There are so much more important things in life." I lose perspective and I focus on what I don't have instead of on what I do have. Oh Jesus - come and change and transform me! I don't want to be that way, I want to be more like you.


Saturday
So I've been going through a quarter-life crisis lately... a "rough patch" if you will. I'm questioning and searching and crying and praying and trusting moment by moment. I'm seeking His face and I'm reading and talking and praying some more. I'm living and worshiping, sleeping and slowing life down so I can hear God. Today I went through a wide array of emotions as I helped my little sister search for a wedding dress. I'm so overjoyed that she is getting married to an incredible man and they are so in love! And yet, I have to be honest, it makes me sad. Not because I'm jealous and I try not to allow myself to get angry with God and ask the why questions, but it's hard and sad to watch someone do something that God has given you a desire for and yet has not given it to you yet. It was an emotional day, so I came home, grumpy and angry at the world (sorry Danielle!) and my amazing friend Sharon came over and we talked all about life (in obedience to my fortune from my fortune cookie that came with my sweet and sour chicken: Spend some time reflecting and thinking about your life). Sharon and I vented and laughed and realized we share a lot of the same struggles. So it's official: I'm not crazy, and she talked some sense into me! It hit me during our conversation, my issue: I am making my life all about me. And it's not about me. Sharon had a wise phrase as well that I loved and is a good perspective-giver when I so often lose perspective and I have the wording wrong, but she essentially said that God doesn't really care what you do or where you go, it's all about being in relationship with Him, knowing and serving Him. Thanks Sharon for allowing God to speak truth through you tonight. I needed that! So it's not about me... and I'll just keep trusting him everyday and remember to be grateful for my many blessings.

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