I am an ungrateful brat...

I'm getting back into blogging, and here's why...

I want a place where I can write and process, but in a public way so that I feel as though I'm sharing my life, and the lessons that God is teaching me, even if it is through a medium that is a tad on the impersonal side. It also holds me accountable, because if I blog it, it's not as though I'm writing it in my journal where no one reads it. Also, I don't have that one person I can dialogue and discuss my thoughts, I actually have many people, and by blogging regularly I can do it in a way that I enjoy and to be honest is pretty practical. I love to express myself in writing and God has been teaching me so much lately, I want to share that! So read on and enjoy...

I am an ungrateful brat...

on Thursday I was driving the Periard children (Andrew, 6, Patrick, 4, Margaret, 2) to the Air Zoo in Kalamazoo as a special treat because the oldest had the day off from school. We have a great day, riding rides, eating lunch and checking out these awesome airplanes! It's time to leave... we pass by the gift shop and I allow them to browse. Bad decision. When it was time to go and they realized I wasn't going to buy them something, they threw a HUGE fit. "I had no fun today because you didn't buy me anything!" "I don't want you to baby-sit us anymore!" "I hated today, I WANT A TOY!!" etc. You get the picture... I was so hurt and frustrated that I spent this whole day taking them out on a fun outing and they came home grumpy because I wouldn't buy them a cheap plastic airplane that they would lose in 2 days. Children just don't have any perspective on what is really important. I lectured them and tried to explain that to them (hehehe) and then I realized something. I am such an ungrateful brat, I am just like them. God has blessed me, given me an incredible place to live, amazing friends, a great church, awesome family, great education.... the list goes on. Why do I get to the end of the day and I scream about how i didn't get my plastic airplane. And I'm sure God looks down at me and says, "There are so much more important things in life." I lose perspective and I focus on what I don't have instead of on what I do have. Oh Jesus - come and change and transform me! I don't want to be that way, I want to be more like you.


Saturday
So I've been going through a quarter-life crisis lately... a "rough patch" if you will. I'm questioning and searching and crying and praying and trusting moment by moment. I'm seeking His face and I'm reading and talking and praying some more. I'm living and worshiping, sleeping and slowing life down so I can hear God. Today I went through a wide array of emotions as I helped my little sister search for a wedding dress. I'm so overjoyed that she is getting married to an incredible man and they are so in love! And yet, I have to be honest, it makes me sad. Not because I'm jealous and I try not to allow myself to get angry with God and ask the why questions, but it's hard and sad to watch someone do something that God has given you a desire for and yet has not given it to you yet. It was an emotional day, so I came home, grumpy and angry at the world (sorry Danielle!) and my amazing friend Sharon came over and we talked all about life (in obedience to my fortune from my fortune cookie that came with my sweet and sour chicken: Spend some time reflecting and thinking about your life). Sharon and I vented and laughed and realized we share a lot of the same struggles. So it's official: I'm not crazy, and she talked some sense into me! It hit me during our conversation, my issue: I am making my life all about me. And it's not about me. Sharon had a wise phrase as well that I loved and is a good perspective-giver when I so often lose perspective and I have the wording wrong, but she essentially said that God doesn't really care what you do or where you go, it's all about being in relationship with Him, knowing and serving Him. Thanks Sharon for allowing God to speak truth through you tonight. I needed that! So it's not about me... and I'll just keep trusting him everyday and remember to be grateful for my many blessings.