Busy.

(Disclaimer: this blog entry is not my typical life "aha" beautiful moment... but more a diatribe about my chaotic life)

I'm trying to remember what it's like to be busy. My life feels like college, but worse because now I have real life on top of grad school. How am I supposed to be a student when I am almost the only person in my sphere of people that has to study? It feels awkward to close my door and to turn people down because I need to read, and write papers. Really?? I am so used to being so social, to having extra time on my hands to go for walks and get to bed early. To stalk people on facebook and cook an extravagant dinner. My life is so packed full and I don't know what I can carve out but this is getting ridiculous. I wish that I could go back to the college days when only 5 hours of sleep at night was enough, but with my marathon training and running 30+ miles a week... my body needs sleep, lots of sleep. Plus, I'm working everyday where mentally and physically I need to be engaged, there's no floating anywhere in my life. I am living with a busy family of 6 and I absorb their busyness as well, trying to find moments to bless them because they're letting me live in their basement, but if I had the money, I'd almost rather write a check for rent every month so I can leave my kitchen a mess and come home to no one so i can be grumpy at the end of the day. That's so horrible! And it's not true, but I'm just plain exhausted. And I keep waiting for life to lighten up and I have a feeling it's not going to be for a year.

I feel as though I could have more to say, but my pillow is calling my name and I can barely keep my eyes open and I have to get up tomorrow morning at 5:15 to try and squish in my run before work so that I can do 5 million other things after. I have no poetic ending except a tired... good night.

Read more...

Harvard

I worked at Primrose for almost 12 months, 5 months as a floater and 7 as a lead teacher in a young toddler classroom. For a majority of my time working there I would drag myself out of bed each morning, talking myself into why I'm still working there, drive 40 minutes south, count down the minutes until I could leave and unwaveringly leave with frustration and anger with the way that I was treated, with the way the children were treated, with the way that they chose to run their childcare center. The owners cared only about money and it went against so many of my values to continue to clock in and follow their ridiculous rules and regulations that were created to put on the appearance of order and safety, but in reality were not made in the children's best interest. Almost 12 months of my life, 40 hours a week and I am finished. I have moved on to the "Harvard" of childcare centers. Boulder Journey School is refreshing my soul and reviving my faith in teaching. We spent an entire week creating our classrooms so that the children can be comfortable and safe, that is interesting so that they will learn and most importantly, have fun! The creativity implemented provides such a great contrast to the primary colored environment that defined Primrose. Contrast, it's like night and day, black and white, mountains and prairie. From community college to Harvard... I am in love because I am challenged and because I am important and because the children are our most important priority. I get out of bed and drive 40 minutes north, it's the opposite direction in more ways then one. I leave with a satisfied spirit that I am part of something good. It is great to get to a place where I feel like I am supposed to be. What God will do with this experience... I don't know, but I can't wait to find out!

Read more...

The Denver Song.

My entire family (Mom, Dad, Cory, Rachel, Addison, Finn, Jessica, Jared, Baby "M", and I) were all at the beach on Sunday evening... we were all sprawled out on our blankets and chairs, jumping into the water every few minutes to cool off and laughing at Addie's antics. At one point she looked up at and saw the bluffs that run along the Lake Michigan coast and for some reason connected it to the pictures she's seen of the mountains in Denver. As if she discovered something amazing, she said with enthusiasm "Look!! There are mountains! Like in Denver, where Katie lives!!" We all agreed, yes they do look like the mountains in Denver where Katie lives... well... sort of. :) She was so excited! About a half hour later, Cor and Rach tried to sneak away for a walk down the beach, as their families grow, their time together, just the two of them is rare. Addie caught on and insisted on going, so we all tried frantically to distract her while not letting her feel rejected. She seems to be extra sensitive to that ever since her 5 week old baby brother arrived. I suggested we go for our own walk the other way, towards "Denver". She latched onto the idea with exuberance and we trudged off to Denver towards the mountains. We picked up lots of seashells and special treasures along the way, we threw sticks into the water - seeing how far out we could get them. We sang the Denver song, which consisted of saying Denver over and over again in a sing-song fashion. We watched the sunset go down over the lake and stomped our footprints into the sand. She reached up and held onto my hand, especially when she got a little too close to the water and the waves splashed up onto her ankles. She insisted I carry her when her little legs would get tired. I venture we walked probably 1/2 mile at least down the beach before I finally realized she might just keep walking forever and ever... so I had to break the bad news to her. That Denver is really really far away and we probably can't walk there tonight. She told me I should just carry her... oh dear! I explained to her she has to ride in a car or an airplane and she can come visit me and see the mountains. She conceded it might be too late to go that night, so we headed back, seashells, sunset and hand holding all the way back...

a special evening I'll never forget. Love you Addie-boo!

Read more...

A Runner Girl

Yesterday I ran the Bolder Boulder, a huge 10k race in Boulder, CO - just northwest of Denver. It was my first race in 2 years that I've run, and I'm addicted. I've known that I love running, but it's ridiculous how obsessed I am. I have never really defined myself as a runner until recently, but I like it. It feels good, because it is so accurate. Yesterday at the race, my running coach said to me multiple times "You're a runner Kate." It was defining to hear someone else, a true runner pass that onto me. Ann asked after the race what we wanted to do, hang out, walk around... I told her I wanted to run it again. While chatting about the race, I was commenting at how originally I was running this race to get some more experience racing before my marathon in October. I wanted to do it just for fun, enjoy the atmosphere. As soon as I was around all those people and running with 3 other women, I wanted to win. I wanted to run fast, so I did. My competitive spirit came out and while discussing it after, Lina commented, "You're a runner!"

You know you're a runner if...

- when you finish a long run and you envy the runners on the side of the road on your way home

- when you anxiously wait for your next run and hate forcing yourself to rest

- when you injure yourself and want to pull your hair out everyday without your daily run

I'm a runner. And I love it.

Read more...

Dancing Shadows.

I drove around Denver tonight, trying to decide on the perfect coffee shop that I could rest my soul in, that would ease the frazzled edges of my mind, that would provide me the space to breathe. I ended up at Cafe Europa on Pennsylvania Street and I am confirmed that this is a good place to be with the dancing shadows on the floor and the quiet stillness that offers an almost magical room. I plunked down in the corner, next to the door which in the winter would not be a very good idea, but on a beautiful spring evening, the breeze pushing the door open and sneaking in to join us is just delightful. I sit to read my friend's blogs, always enjoying the challenges and insights she offers, and I read this line:

"Pastor Kallam defines struggling well with: engaging and wrestling with life believing that God Himself is enough and the confusion and mystery of life point us to Christ who is our only hope."

This quote is a perfect mixture of freedom and hope, two things my soul is craving right now and while sipping on my mango tea and waiting for Pandora to load, Colbie Collait's Hold On plays, a song that soothes my soul like a mother's touch to an upset child. It was a perfect, profound moment with dancing shadows, soothing music, and deep thoughts...

Read more...

I'm Home.

Yesterday I got to leave work a little early, I drove home, trying to decide which route to take... I'm so glad I chose to exit at University Blvd because in someone's yard was the most perfect book shelf I have ever seen! It is a ladder bookshelf that leans up against your wall, it has a little bit of a modern look to it, the best part is that it isn't clunky or chunky and takes up very little space. And in my 456 sq. foot apartment, space is crucial! The pic on the left isn't my actual bookshelf, but exactly like it. Isn't it glorious? $25 they were asking... JACKPOT! :) I drove to the bank, withdrew the money, packed it up in my backseat, went home, put on a new CD of a guy named Owen who I heard playing in a coffee shop, and screwed together my treasure. Then came the best part, I pulled out my two boxes of books and the stacks under my bed and arranged them on the shelf just so. I displayed L.M Montgomery who wrote the Anne of Green Gables series, I have Francine Rivers, Frederik Buechner and Ernest Hemingway. I have fiction novels, philosophy wonderings, theology books and more. They are easily accessible and display who I am and what I value. You want to know who I am, just take a look at my bookshelf. I am home now; the dust has been blown off my books and they have been unpacked from their stuffy, dark storage spaces. They have rightfully claimed their space in my small little home and I feel more at peace and more whole because they are there. It's amazing, the little things that are so meaningful. I have a bookshelf now, my first bookshelf since I've moved to Denver, and I am home now.

Read more...

Lonely Front Porches.

I have been running in my neighborhood a lot, on these perfect, still, peaceful evenings. The wind dies down and the sun slants perfectly through the trees as if it is posing for a picture. The air smells fresh of lilacs and green grass and I wonder, where are all the people? It is evening, when most should be home from work, finished with dinner and I wonder what is with the phenomenon of empty front porches? What a perfect spot to grab a cup of coffee and sit with your husband or wife and talk about your day? Or grab a book or Bible and just enjoy the peace and quiet? It's the perfect spot to catch up with you best friend on the phone, or simply catch a quick cat nap on a hammock in the yard. It amazes me that while I run 3-4 miles around my neighborhood, it's not that only a few are out, it's that NO ONE is out on their front porch. They have this beautiful furniture, glorious flowers and landscaping in their yards, and yet what is it all for? I am close to sitting on each of their front porches, because they are lonely and are crying out for attention. They want to be enjoyed and relaxed in. If you have a front porch, GO... sit... people watch... bring a blanket... and your journal and a cup of tea or a glass of wine. Enjoy life. If I had a front porch, I would be out on it every night, and you are maybe thinking that life gets busy... I am well aware of busy, but in the past few years I have realized the importance of claiming those moments when you can choose to do or to be. I have been choosing to be a lot lately, it is so necessary for my emotional and mental sanity, and spiritual health. It calms my spirit and I center myself when I sit outside, lay down in the park and read a book, or take a long walk with a cup of coffee. I am sad for all the lonely front porches, and for the people who live in them who are so busy doing, they don't have time to be.

Read more...