In the Meantime

I was working at Yankee Candle this evening, enjoying the busyness and fun of retail. I had stopped in Panera on my way in to get something to sip on as I sold candles. :) I wanted to get a decaf coffee, but the hazelnut sounded SOOO good. So I decided, despite the late hour, I would test caffeine's affect on me and get a cup of coffee at 7:00 at night. BAD decision. It is 1:30 in the morning and I am bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. So what else to do but look around on-line, mostly for jobs and I'm actually looking at jobs in Denver. Crazy... and scary... to think about moving - but also simultaneously exciting and full of hope and potential. I was checking out Focus on the Family's website, see if they have any employment opportunities and happened upon their "Boundless" webzine is what they call it. It's for singles. I started looking at the blogs, books and articles they have, drawn in by the pictures and taglines. I began to think, as I read over various titles of books (The thrill of the chaste, Where have all the good men gone? 5 paths to the Love of your life, and more...) and a variety of articles about getting set up on blind dates (I have yet to ever go on one), how to enjoy this season, and an entire article on the premise that singleness is glorified and viewed as a "gift", they ask the question IS IT? (I echo that question often!)

I hesitate to discuss my thoughts on my singleness and 26 years of age, it's something I tend not to focus on or think about. Maybe it will just go away, I'll go back to when I'm 22 and get married like I was "supposed" to! :) But I guess that is probably not the healthy thing to do... denial. I never thought that I would ever be 26 and single, never. I still don't think I do, even though that is what I wake up to every morning, having lived 26 years and dating no one. So, I live in the season of "in the meantime" and yet strive not to. I live in the season of waiting and yet try viciously to stop waiting for my life to begin and live now. What metaphor can I draw to help you understand? I know, stick with me on this one...if you jump in the car to go grab a gallon of milk from the local grocery story, it's what, a 5 minute drive at the most right? Now, when I know I'm only going to be in the car for a few minutes, I usually don't search out my ipod from the bottom of my purse and pick a song of which I'll only hear 30 seconds of by the time I find it and almost get in 2 accidents while I pay more attention to my song choice then the road. I usually just avoid the whole situation and flip on the radio, hoping that I happened to get 3 minutes of my favorite song rather then the commercials and/or weather announcing MORE snow and cold weather. My life is the 5 minute drive to the store, stuck behind traffic because a semi flipped over on the road. Do you get out the ipod or pick the CD? Do you listen to your favorite music or keep on pushing through the old DC Talk song that you liked when you were in 9th grade? Are you going to listen to the news again, all the job losses and the sky is falling economy talk? Or are you going to flip on your favorite belt-it-out worship song while you're sitting... and waiting... and waiting... ahhh... the power of a metaphor. I certainly hope that helps you understand my "in the meantime" life. If I were a singer/songwriter, I would write a song called In the Meantime, it would be upbeat and catchy though, or maybe it would be solemn and deep. Maybe it will be both. I have no point I suppose to this blog entry except that I have not figured out how to live in this season most of the time and I struggle with being bitter and frustrated with the hand of cards I have been dealt by our perfect, all-knowing Creator. I just don't feel it, I choose it, to trust in Him everyday and sometimes I forget to choose it and instead listen to DC Talk, instead of really living. It's so hard to really live when something you desire greatly is unrealized in your life. I have more thoughts on singleness and 26 as you can imagine I'm sure, but I'll leave the topic for now, too afraid to reveal too much all in one sitting.

It's 1:44, I'm going to try and get some sleep, despite my hazelnut buzz. Bad bad decision.

Read more...

Snow Scrooge

I woke up yesterday morning, curling up on the couch under a blanket, and the sun was just starting to peak through the gray, gloomy clouds. My heart yearns for sunshine and my skin for vitamin D. My mom came downstairs and says with a disappointed tone that it looks like the snow is done falling for now. I yelped for joy, I don't want anymore precipitation coming down, cutting everyone's speeds in half on the highway and causing accidents and back-ups. She called me a snow scrooge. As Stephanie would say on Full House "how rude!" (If you don't know what I'm talking about, it probably means I'm getting too old). However, there might be some truth to that... *smile* I am trying to make friends with winter, with lots and lots of coffee, my snap and snuggle, fires in the wood-burning stove, wearing slippers every chance I get and borrowing my mom's oh-so-soft scarf. When the wind isn't blowing and the snow isn't falling, I'd say we're mere acquaintances.

I am currently holing up in Biggby Coffee in Grand Rapids, awaiting my next 4 hour shift at Yankee Candle. It is packed today, and I am literally tucked away in the corner. In order to get out I literally have to weave my way through a maze of chairs, feet, computer bags and shoulders. I kind of like it.

I would like to say that today I am filled with faith, but unfortunately it's one of those days that I feel so much more full of doubt. I am worried that I won't find a job soon, and I am heavy with the burdens of bills, debt, and borrowing money from people. I remember once I was traveling with my church choir when I was in high school, I had run out of money and we stopped for lunch on the way home. I was too timid and/or prideful to ask to borrow some money so I could eat, so I mooched a few fries and my tummy rumbled all the way home. I still struggle with asking for help, and if I am forced to, I carry it around like a burden, frustrated that I am being a burden to others. I don't know what the root of that is, but I am so tired of trying to squelch out the worry and stress, trying to remind myself of truth. Truth just seems as cloudy and gray as the clouds outside this afternoon. I long for someone to step in and believe for me when I'm too tired to keep on believing. My hope is dim today...

I am going to go immerse myself in His Word because on days like this, everything else seems fruitless and exhausting. It is only through His truth that I am energized... so I am going to go feast.

Read more...