The Pluses and Minuses

Living alone has it's advantages and disadvantages...

I was thinking about living alone and how unusual it must seem to people in different countries; for people groups who place such a high value on relationships and doing things in groups rather that individually. America is probably one of few countries where women my age live by themselves and it is accepted as a norm.

Sometimes I come home and I love that I can just throw my stuff by the door and leave my clothes everywhere and dishes in the sink and no one can complain! I love that I can turn my music up in the morning when I'm getting ready and can come and go as I please without consulting anyone. I love that my soul is free to be sad, joyful, disappointed or frustrated without judgement from others or having to explain it. I love that I can fall asleep on the couch. That I can open all my windows on the first day of spring even though it's too cold out. That I can sit in my kitchen with the lights off and listen to the rain outside. I love the independence and knowing that I can support myself to live. I love that no one else eats my Eggo waffles. I love decorating my own place and making it my home. I enjoy "owning" my own space. I enjoy cleaning my place and creating a space where when people come over, they like the atmosphere. I love having a haven away from everything, a sanctuary where I can meet with Jesus in any room. I like laying down in my hallway and listening to music because I am tired of being in my bedroom and living room; there are less expectations in the hallway. I like leaving my pantry door open for 3 days because I have no reason to go into the living room. I love being able to have people over and playing the hostess. I like some of the connotations that go along with having your own place - that I'm confident, independent, and self-sufficient. I feel as though by having my own apartment, it is an expression that I am all of those things. I love the feeling of coming home at the end of the day, getting my key out and unlocking my door, plopping my stuff down and away I go with a list of things to do. I love that I've never had to ask my parents for help with rent since the day I moved in. I love the lighting of my bedroom in the morning and early afternoon, when the sun streams through my windows.

I hate writing a check on the 1st of the month and watching a huge chunk of what I earned that month disappear. It's hard to come home from church on Sunday and eat lunch by myself. I don't like it when it's beautiful out and you just want someone to marvel with... but no one is there. I hate it when we have a snow day, locked inside and everyone else stays home with family and enjoys the relaxed time while I am lonely in my gray apartment. Sometimes when I get home, I just want to tell someone about the meaningless things that have happened during my day. I don't like cooking a delicious meal and having no one to share it with. I hate how I am constantly throwing away food. Sometimes I hate not having any accountability for how I spend my time. Sometimes I just want someone to know where I am and what I'm doing. When I'm down, I don't always need someone to be with me, in fact more often then not I want to be alone, but I want to be left alone, I don't want to BE alone. I don't like some of the negative connotations that come with living alone - that I'm making bad financial decisions, that I couldn't find a roommate or that I'm lonely all the time. I hate spending money on toilet paper and having no one to finish painting my kitchen with. I hate not having someone to help me make decisions. I hate that technology is my only connection to the outside world. I hate that feeling when my heart starts beating, did I hear something? Is there someone in my home? I don't like how because I'm living alone I can start to think that I am the center of the universe.

I think I like living alone, most days I do, sometimes I hate it and I don't want to do it for much longer. There are advantages and disadvantages...

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I want my Mom!

This morning, one of my whiney 4 year olds was sitting against the shelf pouting. I tend to be unsympathetic because she whines about everything. I went over, bent down and asked her what was wrong. "I want my mom" she cries. At first I am thinking logically and realistically, well... she's at work, there's not much I can do, so suck it up and come have lunch was my first thought. My heart was immediately softened, and I took her in my arms, telling her that I had lots of fun stuff planned for the day and that her mom would be here to pick her up before she knew it. I told her to just try not to think about it. As I held her, I started thinking about mothers and why they are so special; about why they are so comforting. When you're a child and you're with your mom, it's as though nothing is wrong in the world. Her presence alone is enough to fulfill you and complete whatever is missing. It is her constant providing, protecting, and loving that only a mother can offer that this little one longs for. I have several thoughts that branched off from here...

One was about my mother and how even though I'm 24 years old, I still long sometimes to go home, curl up on my mom's bed and just feel safe. Mothers are so safe and simple. I still feel like Caitlyn, leaning up against the shelf, hiding from the harsh realities of the world, crying and pouting for my mom.

I also think about myself and the children that I will someday have. I anticipate that bond that only a mother can have with her child. When he or she cries, it is the mother they want, whether they are an infant, a 4 year old or a 24 year old and no one else has the calming effect that a mother has. What a blessing, to be able to fulfill someone's deep need for safety and self-assurance. I can't wait to be a mom someday, to have my child run into my arms when I'm away from him or her. To hear the "I love you's" when I tuck them in at night. I can't wait to have my infant be crying and to take him/her in my arms and hush them with my words as I hold them tightly to my chest. I can't wait for them to smile at me and wave in choir concerts and soccer games when I come to watch. I know their heart will be swelling with pride - their mother came to watch them and cheer them on. And I will be swelling with love and pride as I watch them do their best. Whether they fall down, miss a goal, sing the wrong words - I'll always love them. It's unconditional love - that's what Caitlyn must have been crying for. Someday I get to have that...

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