They are on my mind...

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Jesus wept.

When God is trying to teach me something, he always repeats it over and over again until I say, "all right, all right I got it." :) He speaks to me through people, His Word, music, blogs, e-mails, phone calls, billboards, whatever he can use to get my attention. This week I have been learning about grieving and sadness. How do we handle these things in our lives? How am I to handle these things? How do I glorify God through times of loss and sadness in my life? Through trials and suffering? God brought me to Lazurus' death multiple times this week, and what did Jesus do? Jesus wept.

Each day for me is a daily walk of faith. I don't get to go to church on Sunday, fill my week with busy activities and then be rejuvenated again as I have done in the past. Every morning I wake up and it is either a day where I walk in faith or I walk in worry, anxiety and fear. I am job searching, single, and living with my parents. That's hard for me to write even in this blog that I am pretty sure no one reads. Because there is the world that tells me that I am not successful or valuable because of where I'm at in life. The world is trying to lie to me constantly and Satan uses my emotions to pull me into a pit of lies. Until I grab onto that ladder of truth, and slowly through prayer and the power of the Holy Spirit can I climb up and out and stand back on the solid rock of Truth. I have lost someone important to me, and I am sad. And so while I walk a walk of faith, right next to that tire track of faith is the tire track of pain and loss - running parallel to each other like the tire tracks of a car left on a dirt road. I read a blog this week by a woman I deeply respect. I am going to steal some of her thoughts because they hit me profoundly and reiterate my two-track theology:

"As a child I learned that the shortest verse in the Bible is John 11:35 “Jesus wept.” Simple as it is, it holds immense meaning for those of us in pain and those of us who love those who are in pain. You see, at the opening of the story, Jesus knows full well that Lazarus will die and also knows Lazarus will be restored to life. He sees the end of the matter, “This sickness will not end in death. No, it is for God’s glory so that God’s son may be glorified through it.” And still, when faced with the sister’s grief and tears, Jesus was moved… and he wept. We are uncomfortable with grief. I think we say things like “God will use this” or other such sentiments because we want to move the hurting out of the emotions of pain that are so difficult for us to sit with. We want to point to the silver lining and see the good that will be; so much, that we rush off to it. Jesus didn’t do that. He wept. He knew that in a matter of minutes Lazarus would come out of the grave when he called. He knew Martha and Mary would have their brother back. And still he wept." - Kate McDonald

And tonight, as I was driving on icy roads, I listened to a song sung by Kate's counterpart, Shawn McDonald. The song is called Time and the lyrics are from the verses in Ecclesiastes that takes about how there is a time for mourning and a time for joy.

Okay, okay God I get it. I will embrace the season I am in; not throw myself a pity party or throw myself down in hopelessness and emotion. No, but I will embrace the season I am in, I will embrace the pain and I will trust Him through it.

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the Never-ending Story

Tonight, as I stepped out into the night to do the mundane, open my car door and get in, drive home, the end of a long day. And as I lugged my bag, jingled my keys, the peacefulness, the calm of the evening was calling my name. The night was in a mood tonight and it called out and invited me to join it. Gladly, I interrupted the daily mundane and stopped and just breathed in and out, smelling and being totally aware of how calm and warm it was outside. I was almost tempted to put my windows down in my car, wishing that I didn't have to climb inside my machine and close out the quiet still night. I love it when God breaks into the mundane and blesses you with a calm that washes over your soul and no matter what else is going on in your life, you experience the peace that transcends all understanding. Tonight for me, that peace came in the form of an offering of an abnormally warm, still calm night. Even now as I write this, I am tempted to go sit outside and breathe some more...

Finishing a good book is always so bittersweet. I love to finish books, it's like checking off something on a to do list, only this list is not full of obligations and necessary things. In fact this list isn't really a list at all. It is this blank sheet of paper on which you write down who you become as you read. Finishing a good book is like adding something else, another ingredient to your life that makes it richer and sweeter and more fulfilling. There is a sense of accomplishment and you feel as though life just became a little deeper. And yet there is the sadness too, it is over. The mystery of how the story will end is now unraveled and the character's lives who strangely become like friends, they have left you. The solace and comfort of turning to a different world for awhile has disappeared and it feels a little empty. The credits are running and it's time to stand up and walk out of the theater, but i don't think I'm ready for the story to end yet. It's a good thing the author of the book I read has another waiting for me to dive into. I'm grateful for that. :)

Those are my thoughts for tonight... warm still evenings and bittersweet books...

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Need to be normal

I am sitting in Panera, one of my favorite restaurants and amazingly in all seasons I enjoy either a way-too-expensive smoothie, a fresh salad or a warm bowl of broccoli cheddar. I love holing up, bringing my computer and books and creating a deep, beautiful, relaxed afternoon anonymously sitting amidst a bunch of strangers and allowing my mind to go wherever it pleases. And of course a delicious bowl of soup usually accompanies the experience. Today I'm in Panera and while I still find comfort and relaxation, my body just rejects the idea of food. It's like the day after you have the stomach flu, when you're still wary of food and absolutely nothing sounds good. It's how I've felt for days... weeks... I have no appetite. I have this idea in my head and I don't think it's true that I must be normal, be completely myself, eat normal foods, and feel happy if I'm trusting God during this trial and time of suffering. I feel like I'm not trusting God if I'm not normal. I have this need to be normal. But I can't force myself. I can't force myself to be hungry for food that doesn't sound good. I drive around, willing myself to not break down in tears, I baby-sit, willing myself to focus on having fun with the kids and not let my mind wander and sit upon my pain. I have brief moments of normalcy and then I always inevitably return back to this abnormal pain. I've decided to just let myself not be normal. I'm tired of trying to be something I'm not, and I am trusting God, but this season is far from normal. So I'm done with needing to be normal... and I'm done forcing food down my throat when it doesn't sound good. I'm throwing out the rest of this chicken noodle soup.

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Red Paint

I have discovered that I am a very expressive person, and if I don't express, journal, create, write, worship - I kind of go a little crazy. I have to write. I have to paint. I have to sing. I must express because it is in the expression that I find freedom. Freedom to love, to be myself, to worship God for who He is and what He's doing in my life. I long for expression of my thoughts, my prayers, my pain and my joy. I am so visual that I think about my life in pictures. God gave me an image recently of a red can of paint, and it's being poured out into this swirling thick liquid of passion. God has given me a passion for Him that is blood red, and I envision a swirl of flame red color pouring out and growing. There is a contrast on the rest of my life as though they are opposite colors. My passion to live for Him, my love for Him. I am just swirling around, ready to splatter people's lives.

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