Need to be normal

I am sitting in Panera, one of my favorite restaurants and amazingly in all seasons I enjoy either a way-too-expensive smoothie, a fresh salad or a warm bowl of broccoli cheddar. I love holing up, bringing my computer and books and creating a deep, beautiful, relaxed afternoon anonymously sitting amidst a bunch of strangers and allowing my mind to go wherever it pleases. And of course a delicious bowl of soup usually accompanies the experience. Today I'm in Panera and while I still find comfort and relaxation, my body just rejects the idea of food. It's like the day after you have the stomach flu, when you're still wary of food and absolutely nothing sounds good. It's how I've felt for days... weeks... I have no appetite. I have this idea in my head and I don't think it's true that I must be normal, be completely myself, eat normal foods, and feel happy if I'm trusting God during this trial and time of suffering. I feel like I'm not trusting God if I'm not normal. I have this need to be normal. But I can't force myself. I can't force myself to be hungry for food that doesn't sound good. I drive around, willing myself to not break down in tears, I baby-sit, willing myself to focus on having fun with the kids and not let my mind wander and sit upon my pain. I have brief moments of normalcy and then I always inevitably return back to this abnormal pain. I've decided to just let myself not be normal. I'm tired of trying to be something I'm not, and I am trusting God, but this season is far from normal. So I'm done with needing to be normal... and I'm done forcing food down my throat when it doesn't sound good. I'm throwing out the rest of this chicken noodle soup.