Huffing and Puffing.

My first drafts, when I put something on paper the first time, it is vulnerable. It is my recorded train of thought in all it's nonsensical and chaotic glory. It makes sense in my head, it leaks out my fingers onto the page (or computer screen) and when I re-read it, it ends up making less sense then my one year old student Rylan at school who talks 90% gibberish. So I edit, I rearrange, I delete, add on. The original life is still there, only changed so the point of what I was trying to get across or the story I was trying to tell now is communicated clearly to others. The problem with blogging is that you usually do minimal editing and it really bothers me looking back at previous blog entries that are out there, posted. It's too late to edit and yet they do not always reflect my best writing ability. It's frustrating, but I need to let it go and allow this form of expression to reflect my imperfect ramblings.

Yesterday while reading Shauna's entries on her blog, she wrote one last November called Sweet Season. She writes:
"I am so happy right now. I'm learning that life is made up of seasons, some are hard and some are easy. I know that life won't always be like it is now. And because of that I'm doing my best to soak it up, every drop. I don't take one dinner with my old friends or morning on the couch for granted."

What I'm going to write I know is bordering on a pity party... but WOW am I ready for a sweet season! Anytime God, because life has been hard and I have been in a season of loneliness and confusion for awhile. And it is good, and this is why it's only bordering on pity, because I write this with complete heart and head recognition that I am blessed and that this season is preparing and strengthening me and my faith. I am learning so much and so I wouldn't want to trade these hard experiences in life for anything. They are teaching me to appreciate those sweet seasons even more. I write not with the spice of discontent, I am most certainly learning to find joy in the midst of hardship. However, I crave a new season when I am not constantly having to fight to remind myself of truth. I do not have a man in my life who can remind me that I am valuable and beautiful and while God tells me those things, everything else in my life is screaming at me that I'm expendable and not beautiful. I do not have a job that I go to where I feel like I am using the skills and abilities God has given me to their fullest potential and so I feel frustrated and useless and have to constantly remind myself that God has placed me there for a reason. My job makes me feel like I have no purpose, and yet God has a wonderful purpose for my life. I would love a season in life when I don't feel like I'm walking uphill, huffing and puffing and wondering when I'm going to get a break. I ache for a sweet season when smiling and laughter and joy are not something I have to work for but come easy. I am writing this and have a feeling that this blog could be easily misunderstood and I do not want to sound like I am complaining. I am just being honest, Lord... I am ready for a sweet season.

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On Writing.

Last summer I baby-sat for two boys, one of them played lacrosse and was in 6th grade. The other was younger and would play catch with me until I couldn't stand it anymore. They live in a pristine neighborhood where their lawn was always perfect. When you walk into their house, there is never anything out of place. It is a very clean, clutter-free home. The mom had perfect hand-writing and I never once saw her frazzled or in a hurry. She was always on-time, always called ahead, and had a check already written out waiting for me when I got there. There were never any dirty dishes in the sink and her fridge looked practically empty because it was so organized. The same with her pantry, there was just enough to have variety and have plenty of food to eat, but not a box of cereal more. There was no half-eaten pizza box stuffed on top of the milk cartons or forgotten box of rice behind the granola bars. You get the picture, she was a neat freak and very controlled, but not unpleasantly so, but just enough to make you feel a little anxious because you didn't want to mess anything up.

Tonight I baby-sat for a family of four, the kids are always in my personal bubble the minute I step through the door ready to show me their lost tooth or tell me about being a flower girl or show me their latest treasure. All three of the older ones talk at the exact same time and it's a beautiful and fun chaos. Little Molly toddles along wondering what all the excitement is about. The house is older, fixed up with lots of character. The kids are loud and hilarious, but they are polite and well-behaved also. I am always greeted with hugs from the mom and dad and offered food and drinks. Their generosity is overwhelming. I love the random clutter in the corners, the dirty dishes in the sink, the fridge filled with leftovers. I love the bath toys in the tub and the jewelry and toiletries littering the bathroom counter giving the room a lived-in look. The house is by no means dirty or overwhelmingly cluttered, just incredibly lived in. It reeks of life and I far better prefer this house. It draws out the free, creative artist in me that longs to live a real and raw life.

As I sat in that house tonight, the fire lit warming the room, the four kids sound asleep upstairs, I read, I wrote and my creative juices started flowing. I have been working on my African essays recently and I picked up a book today called Bird by Bird by Anne Lamott at the library today. I'm a fourth of the way through already and I would be further if I didn't have to write down a quote every 5 minutes because I can't underline because I do not own it, although I'm beginning to think this one might be my next Barnes and Noble purchase. I dug through Anne's thoughts on writing, spurring on questions, doubts, insecurities, and excitement in me. I also caught up on Shauna Niequist's blog, enjoying her story, her descriptions, her humor and her insights into life. Also gleaning some more books from her lists to add to my much-too-long books to read list. Tonight was a night about writing, I've given this up to the Lord, asking what it is that He wants me to do with this passion and skill of mine. I feel tonight I was revving my engines, amping up for what seems to be a greater and intentional pursuit to write, to define why I'm writing and to figure out if this blogging will ever be my only public sharing of my thoughts, or if God has more in store. I felt I needed to document tonight, it seemed fitting to write about this unique evening and I look forward to stepping out even more into this world of writing... curious of what it holds.

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Ishi

"Get alone with your King, meditate upon who He really is, and allow Him to give you His heart and His vision for the beauty of true surrender."

This is what God is calling me to. I have never physically heard God speak to me, but He has spoken to me in spirit, through people, books, and music. Right now, He is drawing me close to Him, calling me to know Him. Part of this is surrendering my expectations, dreams and desires. I have always assumed that I would get married and have a family pretty quickly after I graduated college. I need to deal with the pain and disappointment I feel from not getting those things. They were incorrect expectations, it wasn't just a desire, it was a right I felt entitled to. Now that it's been 4 years since graduation, I have to deal with those emotions and nail to the cross that right I felt to a husband and children.

Simultaneously I want to open myself to the idea of allowing God to come in and be my first love. I hate the whole idea that God is my "prince charming", it all sounds a little surfacey and cheesey for me. However, it's hard to put it into words when underneath it all, it is what I am searching for. What I desire is on a deep and intimate level, God would meet me there, that He would reveal Himself to me, that I would have the stability and peace of someone who is in love and knows that no matter what happens, there is someone else who loves her, cherishs her, will take care of her. That's what I want God to be, I want Him to be my "Ishi", my Husband as it says in Hosea 2. I don't know that I've ever opened myself to this idea completely, but here I go on this journey of "dating Jesus." Hahaha... how lame... can't believe I just said that. I want to continue to blog about it, but just as a romantic relationship with a man is very personal, I feel a little guarded about this, because it does feel very personal and I desire it to be something that is just between God and I in a way. I will continue to write, sharing what I feel is encouraging to others, but keeping somethings to myself also.

Psalms 16:11 (KJV) " In thy presence is fullness of joy, at thy right hand there are pleasures forevermore."

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The Right Question.

God is really challenging me to be more open; specifically in the area of my singleness. This blog is just a small taste of what is to come, but the urge to write today is undeniable. I must write. I am scared and excited to see what God is going to teach me as I enter into a season of specifically seeking Him in this area of singleness. Right now it's very foggy and vague of what this looks like. This season may last a week or two, or maybe a year. It's a season of a lot of searching, going through the muck and muddle and asking myself and God some very honest questions. I have been avoiding dealing with this issue until now, but God is not really letting me get away with that anymore. He is calling me to Him in a deeper and more intimate way and yet that intimacy comes with a cost, a surrender, a laying down of desires and emotions. This is not just any desire, I would say that out of everything in this world, the desire to get married and have children is my strongest desire. More so then wanting to be out of debt, more then wanting a flat-screen t.v., more then landing the perfect job or buying the perfect house. More then moving to Africa, more then losing 15 lbs., I want to find a man and start a family. So this quest, if you will, is by no means a light one. I embark on it because it's like this... when I was a freshman in highschool (beware I am weaving in an embarrassing story *smile*), in PE we had a rollerblading unit. I know! Cool huh? It's very good exercise. So there are big windows in the english department that open up to the back of the school, looking out to the bus drop-off road, and the tennis courts. The road is a hill and I am blading around the school like a pro, making sure I'm going in the direction of going DOWN the hill. I'm cruising a long at a nice clip, pulling ahead of my friends and there is another girl, she's older then me, slowly coming up the hill. She tried to get out of my way as I sped down the hill, and I tried to avoid her, we both went to the left, then to the right, to the left again and before we knew it we had collided into each other, forehead to forehead and then fell backwards onto the cement. I remember tears and finding out later my first boyfriend saw the whole thing from english lit class! Horrifying! So, this issue of singleness in my life is like that other girl, I'm trying to dodge it, and I go to the left and God is there, I go to the right, God is there. And I am colliding forehead to forehead right now with it and it's leaving it's mark!

I am in an insightful women's bible study where we are talking about how to be "successfully single". One of the leaders last night threw out the question, "Why are you single?" She did not ask "Why are you not married?", it wasn't about searching for what is wrong with us, but instead searching for the purpose of this season. The RIGHT question to be asking God right now for me is "Why am I single God?" NOT "Why am I not married??" God is calling me to figure that out because there is a purpose. I say that not because I am desperate for a reason and am conjuring one up to make myself feel better. If I really wanted to make myself feel better, I'd put on a low-cut shirt, snug jeans, head to meat-market bar and make myself feel better. What I am realizing is that this "there's a reason for the season" cliche that sounds like it only touches the surface is not only true, but when I begin to search for the purpose, I believe I will find deep joy and contentment because I am searching for divine purpose, not earthly.

I have many more thoughts but it's getting really late and I have a full day tomorrow. More to come...

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Are they real?

I love working with children, they're hilarious, insightful, honest, and they love with no strings attached. I love their simplicity and curiousity. I've been subbing in to drive the bus for a teacher who had surgery and is unable to for a few months. So everyday at noon I bring little Ella to school, she's in kindergarden and loves to hear herself talk. Friday, I get in the bus and she says "I have a question for you." I say back, "I have an answer for you." She asks, "What I'm wondering is, bad guys that have guns and kill people and stuff, are they real and... where do they live?" I love the innocence of her question, not really asked out of fear but more just out of curiousity. I wish I could tell her, like monsters, and aliens, and big foots that indeed they are not real but made out of man's imagination like the other creatures. Unfortunately Ella, they are very real. Oh how I wish they weren't! I wish there were no bad guys in this world who killed... and I long for the day when I am in Heaven, and there are no more tears or pain. But Ella they are very real. While it seems a simple question and answer - it's implications are deep and substantial and begs me to think about the real bad guys out there, and causes me to anxiously wait for the days when there won't be any more bad guys.

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