Ishi

"Get alone with your King, meditate upon who He really is, and allow Him to give you His heart and His vision for the beauty of true surrender."

This is what God is calling me to. I have never physically heard God speak to me, but He has spoken to me in spirit, through people, books, and music. Right now, He is drawing me close to Him, calling me to know Him. Part of this is surrendering my expectations, dreams and desires. I have always assumed that I would get married and have a family pretty quickly after I graduated college. I need to deal with the pain and disappointment I feel from not getting those things. They were incorrect expectations, it wasn't just a desire, it was a right I felt entitled to. Now that it's been 4 years since graduation, I have to deal with those emotions and nail to the cross that right I felt to a husband and children.

Simultaneously I want to open myself to the idea of allowing God to come in and be my first love. I hate the whole idea that God is my "prince charming", it all sounds a little surfacey and cheesey for me. However, it's hard to put it into words when underneath it all, it is what I am searching for. What I desire is on a deep and intimate level, God would meet me there, that He would reveal Himself to me, that I would have the stability and peace of someone who is in love and knows that no matter what happens, there is someone else who loves her, cherishs her, will take care of her. That's what I want God to be, I want Him to be my "Ishi", my Husband as it says in Hosea 2. I don't know that I've ever opened myself to this idea completely, but here I go on this journey of "dating Jesus." Hahaha... how lame... can't believe I just said that. I want to continue to blog about it, but just as a romantic relationship with a man is very personal, I feel a little guarded about this, because it does feel very personal and I desire it to be something that is just between God and I in a way. I will continue to write, sharing what I feel is encouraging to others, but keeping somethings to myself also.

Psalms 16:11 (KJV) " In thy presence is fullness of joy, at thy right hand there are pleasures forevermore."