The Right Question.

God is really challenging me to be more open; specifically in the area of my singleness. This blog is just a small taste of what is to come, but the urge to write today is undeniable. I must write. I am scared and excited to see what God is going to teach me as I enter into a season of specifically seeking Him in this area of singleness. Right now it's very foggy and vague of what this looks like. This season may last a week or two, or maybe a year. It's a season of a lot of searching, going through the muck and muddle and asking myself and God some very honest questions. I have been avoiding dealing with this issue until now, but God is not really letting me get away with that anymore. He is calling me to Him in a deeper and more intimate way and yet that intimacy comes with a cost, a surrender, a laying down of desires and emotions. This is not just any desire, I would say that out of everything in this world, the desire to get married and have children is my strongest desire. More so then wanting to be out of debt, more then wanting a flat-screen t.v., more then landing the perfect job or buying the perfect house. More then moving to Africa, more then losing 15 lbs., I want to find a man and start a family. So this quest, if you will, is by no means a light one. I embark on it because it's like this... when I was a freshman in highschool (beware I am weaving in an embarrassing story *smile*), in PE we had a rollerblading unit. I know! Cool huh? It's very good exercise. So there are big windows in the english department that open up to the back of the school, looking out to the bus drop-off road, and the tennis courts. The road is a hill and I am blading around the school like a pro, making sure I'm going in the direction of going DOWN the hill. I'm cruising a long at a nice clip, pulling ahead of my friends and there is another girl, she's older then me, slowly coming up the hill. She tried to get out of my way as I sped down the hill, and I tried to avoid her, we both went to the left, then to the right, to the left again and before we knew it we had collided into each other, forehead to forehead and then fell backwards onto the cement. I remember tears and finding out later my first boyfriend saw the whole thing from english lit class! Horrifying! So, this issue of singleness in my life is like that other girl, I'm trying to dodge it, and I go to the left and God is there, I go to the right, God is there. And I am colliding forehead to forehead right now with it and it's leaving it's mark!

I am in an insightful women's bible study where we are talking about how to be "successfully single". One of the leaders last night threw out the question, "Why are you single?" She did not ask "Why are you not married?", it wasn't about searching for what is wrong with us, but instead searching for the purpose of this season. The RIGHT question to be asking God right now for me is "Why am I single God?" NOT "Why am I not married??" God is calling me to figure that out because there is a purpose. I say that not because I am desperate for a reason and am conjuring one up to make myself feel better. If I really wanted to make myself feel better, I'd put on a low-cut shirt, snug jeans, head to meat-market bar and make myself feel better. What I am realizing is that this "there's a reason for the season" cliche that sounds like it only touches the surface is not only true, but when I begin to search for the purpose, I believe I will find deep joy and contentment because I am searching for divine purpose, not earthly.

I have many more thoughts but it's getting really late and I have a full day tomorrow. More to come...