Homesick.

I'm blogging in the midst of the storm. Awhile back I wrote a blog entry about how impossible it is for me to process and write in the midst of the craziness, however I was inspired as I sat down to catch up on a few blogs I follow, specifically my friend Bekah's to write as she does. I often find it exhausting, but want to give it a shot, writing about life while living life. :)

Actually... I don't know if I can do this. I don't know where to start.

... I'm going home next week to Michigan and it's all I can think about, it's all I look forward to. My friend Robyn at work was mocking me a little about being homesick, and I laughed because I'm not really homesick... and then I thought - maybe I am. I long for security and comfort, people that know and love me. I suppose that's what it is to be homesick. I commented that right now, with all the change, transition and unknown in my life, my desire for home is amplifed because of my current circumstances.

Which are: I am still waiting and interviewing for 2 jobs that I want... waiting... waiting... waiting. It is the hinge of my life because once I know where I'll work and how much I'll get paid, I can decide where I want to live and how much I can afford. And so, I leave for Michigan in 7 days, and when I come back to Denver, I'll have a new place to live that I don't know where that is yet and a new place to work, I don't know where that is either. It's laughable really. I don't really stress about it anymore because it's so ridiculous, it's funny. I am open to the idea that I would probably be mocked by people who plan their lives and depend on themselves to do so. My life is in God's hands, not my own.

I am going through this strange and hard season while sleeping on the floor, having virtually no space to myself, working 60 hours this week and supporting people in my life who I love dearly and are going through some major pain and hardships. My heart hurts and I carry that heavy burden with them as they trudge through life trying to figure out what it looks like to trust God in the midst of the unknown and immense pain and grief.

All I can say, and I type this with tears in my eyes is that I cannot wait to get home and hug my mom and dad. I cannot wait to just hang with my sister and store up memories with my niece. I cannot wait to have movie and ice-cream night with my sister-in-law and eat lunch with my mom. I cannot wait to play scrabble and drink wine with my dad and sit at J.P.'s drinking a Snickers coffee chatting and running into people I know. I cannot wait to visit with my dear friends at camp and saddle up a horse and go running through the woods on Kade's back. I cannot wait to throw on my bathing suit and flip-flops and drive over to the state park to take a nap on the beach, and stop for a Kiss the Captain at Captain's Sundae - a longstanding tradition in my family. I suppose this last paragraph proves that I indeed am very homesick.

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Live Deep.

"Sometimes I wonder about my life. I lead a small life. Well, not small, but valuable."

- Kathleen Kelly in You've Got Mail

This is the kind of life I want to lead... small, but valuable. I don't have aspirations to conquer the career world and climb the corporate ladder. While I love to travel and want to see the world, I don't want to do so at the cost of losing my friends, being a part of my families lives and having community and roots. In order to have those things, I need to stay in one place and travel occasionally. It does not mean I want to be safe, or comfortable. I want to step out of the box, and be generous, and passionate and loving. I want to make do big things, like run the Chicago Marathon and climb Longs Peak; I want to play hard and allow for spontaneity. I have been so spread out and it's been a blessing, but I want to gather all these pieces of my life under one roof, and live deep here.

Yeah.

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Calm My Anxious Heart

For the past 10 days or so I have been reading and soaking in the truths of Linda Dillow's book "Calm My Anxious Heart". God is teaching me to wait on Him and He has put me in a position in life where I am completely out of control, and that is really scary. I am currently subletting a room and will stay here until I fly home in August and when I get back... I have no place to move into yet. I also have no job lined up for the fall yet, prospects, but no security or comfort. God wants to be my sole security and comfort and I am going to learn that the hard way. I am so blessed to serve a God who loves me enough to teach me the things that I need, even when they are hard. I will post a blog in a month, and whatever I wrote, however this turns out, wherever I end up living and working will be a testimony to His faithfulness in my life and proof that He is indeed in control of everything, he is all-knowing, all-powerful and I have nothing to worry about. August 2009 is going to prove that to be true. His Word will come alive in my life and I will be a walking testament to Him. Until that blog post... when I know what is going to happen in my life... I pray continously, "Lord, calm my anxious heart." I surrender it to Him, lay it at his feet, surround myself with His truth, pray all day long, listen to music to soothe my spirit, and desperately ask for prayer... and I wait.

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Six

My day in 6 one-word descriptions:

1. Refreshing (new church)
2. Worshipful (I got to raise my hands to the King who is coming someday!)
3. Busy (Work was crazy and we were short-handed)
4. Frustrating (We were short-handed)
5. Nervous (Preparing for the future)
6. Starving (Poor planning on my part and hardly ate anything until I got home from work at 8... ate mac n' cheese - a very adult meal)

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I Need a Bookshelf.

My books have been stacked on my floor now for weeks... and are now tucked into a tupperware bin under my bed, which is sad because books are meant to be read, browsed, flipped through and looked at. But they are under my bed... and I hate that. For those of you who don't know me, or just haven't known me that long... here's the list:

High school graduation - 2001
1 - Grace Adventures - summer 2001
2 - Taylor University English Hall #303 - 2001-2002
3 - Grace Adventures - summer 2002
4 - Taylor University English Hall #307
5 - Mom and Dad's - spring and summer 2002
6 - Kenya - fall 2003
7 - Burton Street 2004-2005
8 - Mom and Dad's summer 2005
9 - South Africa fall 2005
10 - Tory's house - spring 2006 (college graduation)
11 - Jenny's house - May 2006
12 - Rockford house - summer 2006
13 - Orchard Hill - fall 2006-2007
14 - Kathy's house - spring 2008
15 - Grace Adventures - summer 2008
16 - Mom and Dad's - fall 2008-spring 2009
17 - Irma's house (Denver) - March-May 2009
18 -Kate's (not me) room - June-July 2009
????? August 2009...

Since high school graduation I have moved 18 times. I have lived in 13 separate locations in 8 years. I am anxious to stop using my college quilt, my sister's old twin sheets, put pictures on my wall, decorate, put my jewelry box on a dresser, have space for all my clothes, but most importantly have a bookshelf so my books can have a home once again. I am ready for stability, I have sowed my wild oats, traveled and done exotic things, but now I want a rhythm to my life, I want routine and a home to call my own. I am ready for a flower garden and a puppy. I ache for it, my soul yearns for it. Solace and independence. And it all starts with a bookshelf...




*disclaimer: I am so grateful for the places I have lived and the people I've lived with... I just don't want to put things in boxes, lug them down stairs, drive, unload, and then unpack them... AGAIN. ***

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An Open-ended Circle.

"So much of what I see reminds me of something I read in a book, when shouldn't it be the other way around?" - from the movie You've Got Mail

I start with this quote because so much of my life and blogging thoughts have been in direct reference to what I'm currently reading. It surprises me sometimes how much my life is influenced by what I read. This entry is no different, I just read the last page of Three Weeks with My Brother by Nicholas Sparks - an author mostly famous for his fiction novels which have then consequently been made into movies including The Notebook, The Guardian, Nights in Rodanthe, Message in a Bottle and A Walk to Remember. This particular book came recommended by my mom and is unlike any of his others; it is a sort of biography of his life, intertwined with a trip he took with his brother to places all over the world. As I read about his childhood, his parents, relationship with his siblings, it has caused me also to reflect back on my growing up years and how the people in my life have influenced who I am. The book has also done an incredible thing, it has stirred up in me a hope that maybe I will become a writer someday. Nick started off just like all of us in life, and never really aspired to become a writer... he went through many hardships including (spoiler alert) losing his mom first, his dad 7 years later in a car accident and then his sister to a brain tumor. His son was born with a mental retardation that has never been officially diagnosed and he struggled all his life financially, until of course he sold The Notebook for one million dollars. :) I don't aspire to be very wealthy or to have my books made into movies... but just his life story has given me a glimmer of hope that I could ever write something that could be published and sold. More important then that though, I read and absorbed and feel also that his average story is really an exceptional story and not just because he is famous now. In fact most of his book has nothing to do with his writing or career but more to do with his family, marriage and then his kids and how he dealt with the cards dealt him in life. It empowered me as well, to realize that my story, as average as it is, is important and valuable and probably not a bestseller, but is worthy enough to be written down. I think that God spoke to me in my language - that of a story - to teach me that. It's not just a self-realization that I'm important just because I'm a human, but I am valuable, my story is important because of what God has done in it. He has blessed me and I have struggled and overcome and pushed and laughed and cried and it's all intertwined with my families lives, people who are incredibly important to me. And so I ask the question - why am I the way I am? How have my parents and siblings, circumstances and surroundings made me to be who I am? I reflect not to waste time thinking and analyzing too much... although that is my tendency... but because the answers to these questions dictate how I will make my decisions today and also when I can answer that question of who I am and what I value, I can then ask who do I want to be and why? I think the latter is a more important inquiry. There are times when I blog and finish the circle nicely, I close up the thought so it's perfectly round and beautiful. Today... my thoughts are continuing to race through my brain... but I'm done writing for now... so I'll just leave the circle open-ended.

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My Peonies.

I was facebook surfing tonight, on my nothing night and felt inspired to share with you another thought for the day, if you will allow it. I noticed an interesting profile picture of someone I'm really only facebook friends with, if you know what I mean. I clicked on it and glanced at her albums, to see if I can visually see what she has been up to in life. Her most recent photo album was called "My lilac tree". I was intrigued because I love lilacs and have always said I would live in a lilac tree if I could. Eat... sleep... poop... all in a lilac tree. It would be great. I clicked on the album and she had a couple stunning shots of vibrant, purple lilacs and also some pictures of soft white peonies. I loved the pictures and it gives me insight into her very core of who she is. She is proud of these flowers, of their beauty, she appreciates them, took pictures and then posted them on facebook to share it. And yet, what frustrates me is that technology has caused us to be so fast-paced as we race to catch up with the technology we're creating at an even greater pace then even we can run, we miss out on the peonies. The insight into who people are, what they value and the simplicity of the beauty around us. But I just want to (ironically through technology) call out to people to slow down and to notice the peonies. Because it's important to not just have facebook friends, but to really connect with people. To really know people and then to love them anyway. It's important to notice the little things, because it's the little things that are important.




(thanks to Alecia for the pictures)

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