My True North

(I have been using this blog in the past 2 months to talk a lot about my current transition and move to Denver. I am finding now that I am more settled here that while I'm still processing the big change, that my mind and spirit are now free to move beyond it. I am settled in enough to explore life after moving and not necessarily how living here has affected me. So today... my blogging thoughts take me to something besides how life is here in Denver... )

I have traveled to Africa four times in my life and each time I have gone, I have come home a different person. You just cannot go and experience the things I have experienced and be the same person. It changes you. However, because my experiences are so far away and I have always done them alone, or at least come home alone, I find that sometimes unfortunately I forget the lessons I've learned. I get caught up in the busy, materialistic society that we live in and I forget my passions and the realities of the lives that people lead in other countries. So about a year ago, I sat down to start writing out the stories of living in Kenya and South Africa. I wanted to capture the details that are so easy to forget over time and to record the life-changing experiences and relationships as a reminder. I can go back and re-read and remember who I am and why I am the way I am. Is that strange? Today I sat down to add to it, eager to use my creativity and pour it out on the page so that all of those moments are not lost. I feel an urgency to write at times and feel as though there are times when I feel as though God created me to be a writer. Am I daring enough to ever put myself out there to get published? I don't know. I feel that it's scary just talking about it on a blog that only a few people read. I'll take a baby step and share with you one of my stories. It is why I am out here in Colorado:

My True North: Children

All of my life I feel like I have been drawn to young children. That sounds like a broad statement, but when I step back and look at the past 26 years of my life, it seems that consistently over and over again I have been drawn or put into places of ministry or work where children are involved. It’s only recently that I’ve noticed the pattern that I feel is a supernatural pattern and not something I have orchestrated. I love that, when God breaks into your life in such a way that you cannot deny His involvement and you know it has nothing to do with you. It is then that I get excited about being a part of God’s larger plan and know that He is using me for His purposes. Each time I have served in Africa, I have found myself working directly with children, gaining experience and wisdom as I go along. I have no formal training in child development or education, and yet I find that I have learned so much from each experience and child that I have interacted with. I have worked with former street boys, in various orphanages, after-school programs, and in classrooms. When there are children around, I am drawn to them like a magnet.

I have a fear that I make decisions about where I will work, what country I will go to, what school I attend or a variety of other decisions in my life that I will do so out of my own wisdom and desire instead of following God and what He is calling me to. So several times when I am trying to make a decision I have intentionally set aside what I want to do so that I can listen and see if God is calling me to something else. I pursue other options and push open other doors in the off chance that in my humanity I am forcing something that is contrary to God’s leading. I say off chance a bit sarcastically because it is so easy to focus more on our humanity and our desires rather then the spirit’s leading. So many times I think we make decisions maybe because it is the only thing we know, because we don’t allow other people to speak into our lives, because we don’t want to try something new. We make decisions because we are comfortable, or because it’s never occurred to us that maybe God is calling us to something different then our plan. It’s safer and easier to control our lives, and I am so aware of that tendency in my own heart. One of those safe areas for me is children, they are what I know. In some ways I am so much more comfortable doing ministry with children rather then trying to talk to adults, women, or teens.

So when I returned to South Africa in 2007, I was determined to try to do different kinds of ministry. I did prayer ministry, walking the streets and talking with people, praying for them. I tried talking to the women, pursuing relationship with them. This missions trip was a little different for me then others I had been on because there was a lot of freedom in where we were to spend our time. We were free to pursue the ministry that we felt God was calling us to. We visited a “crush”, or a daycare when we were there and I remember trying to not go back there, trying not to be attracted to the children and forcing myself to minister somewhere else. I wanted to go out of my comfort zone and allow the Spirit to work through me in a different way. Day after day, through a variety of circumstances I ended up back at the daycre. Many of our team members chose to spend their time there and I remember one day I wandered into the baby room, there was one South African woman in there and at least six babies. I stayed to help, giving that quiet and patient love that is required of infants who have limited ability to interact with you. As you attend to their physical needs, feed, change, and rock them to sleep, their days are filled with the simple yet incredibly valuable tasks over and over again. They depend on you and I sat in that room, day after day getting to know their little personalities, where they always slept, who their parents were and what made them stop crying. The woman became a good friend as we teamed up to attend the babies’ needs. We talked about life, laughed at the babies, and sat in a comfortable silence. Working with babies is a hard job to do by yourself; it can be very lonely as there is no one to talk to. I know that she appreciated not only the help but also the companionship. I remember sitting in that room and knowing that I was exactly where God wanted me to be. Praise God that he gives us certain passions and desires and then allows us to use them and to glorify Him by using our skills and abilities as well. What a good God He is! On our last day there, the van was there to pick me up along with a few other teammates. They were anxious to leave and I was saying my good-byes, holding onto a little one. A mother came in, and my intuitive spirit immediately sensed a heaviness about her. She sat down, we began to talk for a few minutes and she spilled out her story, how she had just come from the hospital, there were so many things wrong with her health, she was in despair and tears were rolling down her cheeks. She talked about how she could not cope, she could not bear it. She considered not even coming to pick up her little boy today because the burden was just too heavy. Not a moment later I found myself crying with her, and talking to her, encouraging and speaking truth over her life. I prayed with her and to be honest, I look back and do not even remember what I said. The Holy Spirit used me and my mouth to speak over her what she needed to hear and gave me the opportunity to minister to a mother, because of my love for her child. God calls us to these specific areas of ministry and uses our passions, skills and experiences to guide us. We surrender and follow in faith and God will orchestrate the rest. What an incredible adventure to follow a God who has a divine plan and we are servants of the Most High.